Down & Out In Columbus, OH

Sunday night documentary director Morgan Spurlock took me on a very depressing stroll down Memory Lane. On the premier of his FX television show 30 Days, he and his fiancee went to Columbus, Ohio to find out what it was like to live for 30 days on the income from minimum wage jobs.

It just so happens that I spent three years in Columbus, struggling to support myself as a substitute teacher and a temporary office worker. I even lived in an apartment building that looked exactly like the one Spurlock rented–a two-story brick box with a metal stairway and catwalk to get to the second floor. It always reminded me of a No-Tell Motel. I was stuck in it the whole time I lived in Columbus, because to move out I would have needed three times my rent payment (rent for the old place, rent for the new place plus one months' deposit) and I never had that much money at one time.

The show brought back all those horrible memories of the months when my paycheck didn’t cover the bills, along with the collection calls and the constant worry about what I would do if my car broke down or God forbid, I got sick with something treatable but not curable. Substitute teachers don't get health insurance. I used to say I was on the “Die Or Get Better Plan.”

Eventually, I took a part-time job at the Columbus Disaptch to make ends meet. Ends met, but I never got ahead. I was so tired, stressed out and burned out that I had no energy to look for a permanent teaching job either in Columbus or in the nicer suburbs of Upper Arlington and Dublin. When I wasn’t working, I was crashing.

On one of the lowest days I came home to find a message on my answering machine from a private welfare agency. If I qualified for ADFC, the man said, I could get their free healthcare, which included taxi rides to the doctor. Here I was working so hard to support myself and if I'd just get pregnant and go on welfare, I could have health care coverage. What a country!

I gave up on Columbus and teaching, moved back in with my parents, got a real job in customer service with GE Capital, found a nice apartment I really liked and finally got to enjoy life because of a steady income and health care benefits.

I was lucky. I was able to escape subsistence wage hell because I had family willing to provide me with a place to stay until I got back on my feet financially. And I was even luckier to have avoided serious illness during the time I had no health insurance.

But there are millions of people out there doing honest work for not a whole lot of money. Minimum wage has stayed at $5.15. Here in Wilmington, most of the jobs I would qualify for pay around $8.00 an hour. After taxes, daycare and gas, half of it’s gone. You can’t support a child on that kind of money. But people are doing it. Or trying to.

The working poor deserve health care. We live in one of the richest countries in the world. Why can’t we take care of the people who are doing their level best to take care of themselves?

By the way, if you’re interested in helping out the people who help the Columbus people in need, send a check to:

WESTSIDE FREE STORE
3030 Sullivant Avenue 43204
614-351-5480

Give someone a hand-up.

Sideways

This weekend, my husband and I shared a nice bottle of Pinot Noir and finally got to see “Sideways” on pay-per-view. Nigel doesn’t care much for seeing films in theaters so if there’s anything I want to see, I have to wait until it’s released on DVD and available on satellite. The last film we saw in a theater was “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.”

 I was a bit skeptical about “Sideways.” I’ve been disappointed by these highly acclaimed artsy films before. “Fargo” didn’t seem to go anywhere. Maybe I just couldn’t get past how fake Frances MacDermod’s Minnesota accent sounded. “Lost in Translation?” Bill Murray goes to Japan, drinks a lot, hangs out with Scarlet Johannsen and goes out for a night of bad karaoke. That was worth a movie? "Finding Neverland" was disappointing as well. Now I adore Johnny Depp. I'd watch him read the phone book. The way this film dragged on, that might have been an improvement.

I can safely say “Sideways” lives up to its hype. As you’ve probably heard, it’s about the friendship between Miles (Paul Giamatti), a middle school teacher/struggling novelist and Jack (Thomas Haden Church), an out of work actor. They take off on a week’s vacation in the California wine country as a final fling for Jack before he settles down and gets married. They drink a lot of wine, they talk, they chase women and Jack manages to catch one.

Admittedly, there’s not a whole lot of action in this film. But the characters are so compelling that you really care about them and want to know what they do next. Miles is a really nice guy but he just can’t seem to get a break. He’s spent most of his adult life playing second fiddle to the handsome, charming Jack who craves attention and has to get the girl, no matter what the cost.

I believe the only character in the film who’s one dimensional is Jack’s fiancee and that’s intentional. All we know about her is that she’s a beautiful young woman from a wealthy Armenian family. That may be all Jack knows about her as well. Most likely, that’s all he needs to know.

As a writer, I found the scene where Miles calls his agent particularly gut-wrenching. He finds out that his book has been rejected by the last-chance low end publisher he'd pinned all his hopes on, and the agent tells him she’s running out of options as to where to submit it. “It’s a wonderful book but there’s just no market for it,” she says. We’ve all heard that before.

Church has played a lot of jerks. (Remember Ursala’s fiance in “George of the Jungle?” and Ned in the Fox comedy “Ned and Stacy?”) But Jack is not one of them. Although this character behaves despicably, he still evokes a feeling of sympathy. Like Miles, we find ourselves willing to clean up his messes and get him to the church on time.

I was still thinking about this film the next day, wondering what went on with these guys afterwards. Not many films have done that for me. So if you’re looking for a nice DVD to rent, get this one. Along with a nice bottle of Pinot Noir, of course.

THE WRIGHT BROTHERS ARE FROM OHIO, DAMMIT!!!
My North Carolina license plate says "First in Flight" and has a picture of the Wright Brothers' plane emblazoned across the numbers. And there's a plane on my driver's license as well. The Wright Brothers first flight in 1903 is a pretty big deal here. It's even on our official state quarter.

Of course every time I see "First In Flight" I feel the need to point out that the plane was designed and built in Ohio by Ohio residents who just put it on a train, found a place in North Carolina with good winds, flew it for a minute and a half, then put it back on the train and went back home to build more planes. In Ohio.

North Carolina objected strenuously when Ohio decided to put "Birthplace of Aviation" on their license plates. Personally, I think it was an improvement over the previous slogan "Ohio, The Heart of It All" (If Ohio's the Heart, is Kentucky the Spleen?). And I don't believe North Carolina has the right to object. The plane really was "born" in Ohio. It just reached its potential in North Carolina. A lot like me, I suppose.

Film maker Jim Sutherland has suggested an alternate slogan "North Carolina, First In Flying Ohio-Built Planes" and that sounds fair to me.

Basically, the Wright Brothers came here for the same reason most every person from Ohio comes here, including me. The weather is nice. The people are friendly and helpful. It's warmer here than in Ohio. And they've got a beach.

North Carolina--Welcoming Ohio Pilots For Over A Century

WACKO JACKO NO LONGER TAKING FLACK-O

Mainstream Media was disappointed again. The cash cow they’ve been milking for at least a year now has finally gone dry. Whatever will E! Entertainment do without him?

Yes, Wacko Jacko was found not guilty on all charges-- the conspiracy charge, the molestation charge, even the giving alcohol to a minor charge. The networks carried the obligatory climactic scene where the verdict was announced and after that, nothing. The disappointment felt by every network “legal expert” was obvious. Even after they figured out whether it was Janet or LaToya going through the metal detector.

I’m sure they’d prepared lots of pithy remarks and well-informed speculations for a guilty verdict. There’s not much to say for innocent. “Well, Charlie, I guess Michael will go back to the Neverland Ranch and consider his options.”

One of those options, according to his lawyer, is to discontinue his practice of sleeping with young boys.

Excellent idea, Michael.

Although I did not follow it closely, I listened to the coverage of the trial on occasion. There wasn’t any irrefutable evidence against him, despite all those highly publicized police searches. It all boiled down to a he-said/he-said situation. The victim’s mother torpedoed the case for the prosecution. They didn’t stand a chance.

I am a bit disappointed that we won’t be getting those fascinating tidbits on how Michael’s getting along in jail, like we did with Martha Stewart. Maybe he would have directed an inmates’ talent show or taught them all how to moonwalk in the exercise yard.

I will also miss the jokes on the late night talk shows. I loved Conan O’Brian’s Triumph The Insult Comic puppet’s “coverage” of the fans outside. “You saw him come in his pajamas?” “Yes, he came in his pajamas.” For a while, a judge’s gag order prevented anyone involved in the case from discussing it in public, so Jay Leno, a witness for the prosecution, brought in substitutes to deliver the Michael Jackson jokes in his monologue.

Maybe now that it’s over, we can let Michael have the privacy he craves so much.

But where else are we going to find a washed-up, eccentric, ghoulish “King of Pop” who’s just so wonderfully weird?

He’ll be back.

RUN AWAY!!!

If you are really pissed off at your husband, here's a way to get back at him. Have him take the kids to see "The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3D." It's 92 minutes of misery.

My daughter, who's a really good kid and deserves to be taken to a movie now and then, has been dying to see "Shark Boy, etc.". She said it was like "Spy Kids." Well it's not. "Spy Kids" was fun. It was a ridiculous premise, but at least the premise worked. And there was Antonio Banderas, who I can watch in just about anything.

What's this film about you ask? A wimpy nine year old named Max escapes his depressing life through dreams. As things get worse (his parents fight, he's bullied at school, he doesn't like his fourth grade teacher), his dreams take on substance and become real.

Suddenly Shark Boy and Lava Girl appear in his classroom so they can take him off to the Planet Drool because it's about to be destroyed. And since it's his dream creation, he's the only one who can save it.

When it's in 3D, the film looks murky. Maybe it was trying to watch it with the 3D glasses over my own bifocals. Yes, you do get that nifty effect of sharks swimming over your head, but there's no vivid color. Everything was dark and kind of fuzzy.

"Shark Boy, etc." was written, directed, and produced by Robert Rodriguez. He also wrote the music and supervised the special effects. One of the warning signs of a major turkey is seeing the same name in various key positions. (Not everyone is Orson Welles). I've got a sneaking suspicion that Robert Rodriguez is a pseudonym for George Lopez, who's all over this film. He's the kid's teacher, and the dream villain, and the Ice King and the Robot. I didn't keep track, but Lopez probably has about as much screen time as little Max and the adorable kids in the title roles.

It's not a bad movie for kids. Despite a number of fart jokes, it's not scary or gory, and there's a happy ending Max and the bully Linus become friends and Max's parents decide to stay together. And everyone decides it's a good idea not to be selfish.

However, I'd seriously recommend sneaking out and seeing "Cinderella Man" or "Batman Begins" once "Shark Boy, Etc." starts rolling.

Or wait until it comes out on DVD (very soon, I'm sure).

Just Say No?

Abstinence is a big deal among conservatives. They're getting beaucoups de bucks to go to high schools, show some really gross slides of victims of sexually transmitted diseases, then hand out the virginity pledges.

There is no talk about birth control, or condoms. Just don't do it.

There are studies that show that kids who sign these pledges postpone their first sexual experience. But when they do have sex, it's more likely to be unprotected sex.

Now as the mother of a pre-pubescent daughter (she'll be 10 in September), this is something that I'm going to have to deal with. I've been practicing The Talk for some time now. And yes, abstinence will be heavily promoted.

But the thing is, I know that it's not going to be a one-time decision for her. She will have to keep on making that choice over and over again. It isn't going to go away.

That's the hard part. Teen-aged boys, being hot-wired for sex anyway, can be very persistent. And with sex so pervasive in this society, it's really hard to avoid it. If everyone really is doing it and the only person telling you not to is your mother, what's to stop you?

My main objective is to prevent her from having to make that decision. That means rules. She won't be left alone in the house while her parents are working and when her beau comes to call, you can bet she'll have chaperones.

Here's the one thing I want her to know about sex. It's for grown-ups. Grown-ups take responsibility for their actions. They protect themselves from unwanted pregnancy and STDs. If she's grown up enough to have sex, she has to be grown up to prevent the negative consequences.

Of course, I'm hoping that won't happen until she's at least 27. And convent schools are looking pretty good these days.

Throw The Bum Out
I want to get rid of Ken Tomlison.

He's the CEO of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting (CPB) and he hates public radio and television. He feels it's too liberal. He says NPR is commonly known around Washington as "National Palestinian Radio." If he had his way, PBS and NPR would be more like Fox News. "Fair and Balanced" as the slogan, but in reality unfair and unbalanced.

His public statements are along the lines of "Well, everybody knows that NPR has a liberal bias. Just listen."

Apparently, he hasn't looked at CPB's own polls posted on their website, only 22 percent of respondents believed NPR's coverage had a liberal bias vs 31 percent for the major news networks. Nine percent said it had a conservative bias. But the highest percentage, 38 percent, said they believed NPR had no bias at all.

No bias at all. Now that's fair and balanced.

This is another one of those let's-put-a-hardass-conservative-in-charge-and-really-shake-things-up appointments this administration is so fond of. It's my ferverent hope that Tomlinson will be ousted and replaced by someone more moderate.

Freepress.org has a petition calling for his removal from his post at CPB. By all means, sign it.

I can live my day to day life without a newspaper, but I can't give up NPR's straightforward, accurate news every day.

Which reminds me, I need to make a pledge to my local public radio station. Stupid system, but it's all we got.

You Done With The Sports Section?
I read a newspaper today.

With time to spare between dropping my daughter off at the Westminster Presbyterian Church for bible school (yes, liberals really do attend church just like regular Christians) and Walmart, I stopped off at the closest Port City Java and treated myself to breakfast. To pass the time I bought a copy of the Wilmington Star News.

I don’t remember what was on the front page. The only story I recall was about a couple trying to run a greyhound dog rescue operation out of their house but it got out of hand. You’ve heard the story before–sixty-odd dogs were found in the house, emaciated, covered with fleas, ticks and dried feces, all of them sick. The dogs were turned over to animal control, treated by vets then an official Greyhound rescue group began looking for homes. Five had to be euthanized.

I also read Annie’s Mailbox (the replacement for the late Ann Landers’ advice column) and the comics. My horoscope said it was a particularly lucky day for me, although I didn’t notice any good fortune. I looked through the want ads and I even perused the mediocre editorial page. Then I left it there for someone else and went shopping.

My husband and I don’t subscribe to any newspapers. We get Newsweek and Car & Driver, but no newspapers. Aside from the funnies and Annie’s Mailbox, there’s nothing in there I’d want to read every day. We usually don’t have the time to sit and read one all the way through. Like every other newspaper, the Star News has downsized itself so it seems like it was printed for a child. You can’t hide behind it like the old kind. And I just hate the way newspapers pile up. I always worry I’m going to end up like one of those old ladies found dead with ten foot piles of newsprint.

When I was growing up, my parents received both Cincinnati daily papers (The Enquirer and the Post & Times Star), the two weekly Clermont County papers and the Wall Street Journal. My father read them all and did the crossword puzzles. It was fairly common to subscribe to both papers. Something might happen during the day that you’d want to know about. People like my parents were still getting used to the idea of television and there was no such thing as a 24 hour news network.

In college, my room-mates and I subscribed to the Akron Beacon Journal and when I was a reporter for a Cincinnati suburban weekly, I got to read the daily papers every day at the office.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped reading newspapers. Not enough time, don’t have the money, worried about the disposal problem. (I always felt I should recycle them but I never got around to it). I get my news from Newsweek, National Public Radio, ABC News and lately CNN and the BBC.

According to USA Today, Newspaper circulation has gone way down since the 1980s. Like me, people now rely on television and the Internet to stay informed. Every major paper has its own website and they post every issue on line. But it’s not like sitting and reading the paper.

I suppose one of these days, newspapers will disappear completely. But I hope not. Because I really do enjoy sitting at Port City Java, sipping my coffee and reading the paper.

Free Advice on Writing (and worth every penny)

I decided to write about writing today, which to me is a lot like thinking about thinking. You get so distracted deconstructing the mechanics of what you’re doing, you find you’re not really doing anything at all.

Which is not to say that writers can’t benefit from a class, a workshop or just a good discussion about writing. There is however, the temptation to use classes, workshops and discussions as a means to be a writer without actually writing. (Writing is hard work, dammit! Let’s just talk about it for a while)

I know something about writing. I studied journalism in college where I had to learn grammar and style backwards and forwards. It helps to learn the rules before you break them. I also have written two books Caviar Dreams, and Tree Huggers, due out in 2006. I’m hardly an expert, but as you all know, that’s never stopped me from giving my opinion before.

I don’t like the idea of reducing writing to a set of seven handy steps, like Dr. Phil and his “Seven Steps For A Phenomenal Family.” Nothing is that simple. Also, it’s my feeling that if I concentrate on writing the “Right” way, I won’t be writing my way. If I’m going to spend my time doing writing exercises that no one’s going to read, I might as well work on my third book (five chapters and counting!)

I did a Google search on writing sites and got 198,000,000 hits. They have titles like “Rules of Writing,” “Writing Secrets,” “Writing.Com.” They offer ways to make money as a freelancer and how to get your great American novel published. There are online classes in writing, online writing discussion groups, online peer reviews and a huge number of bloggers blogging on writing. You could spend your whole life learning and discussing your writing, that is if you manage to find time to get it done.

By the way, I belong to a web forum of mystery writers. The web board has helped me a lot through the years, even though most of my postings are in the “Chat” Section as opposed to writing advice. Check them out at Mystery Writer's Forum.

But if you’re looking for advice, I will offer this quote from author E.L. Doctorow.

"Planning to write is not writing. Outlining, researching, talking to people about what you're doing, none of that is writing. Writing is writing. . . . Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.”

Keep writing and eventually you get a book.

Hurricanes Happen Here

It's official. Hurricane season started five days ago. So far here in Wilmington, NC we've had normal weather for this time of year. Partly cloudy and warm, with an occasional shower.

But it's a long way to November. Sometime between now and then there will be a hurricane. According to the Department of Atmospheric Science at Colorado University, there will be 13 named storms this year and seven full fledged hurricanes. And the probability of a major hurricane making landfall somewhere along the US coastline is 73%.

Don't you just hate that? They tell you it's coming but you don't know when or where.

Here's the list of names for this year's storms: Arlene, Bret, Cindy, Dennis, Emily, Franklin, Gert, Harvey, Irene, Jose, Katrina, Lee, Maria, Nate, Ophelia, Philippe, Rita, Stan, Tammy, Vince, and Wilma.

Every year I look at the list and try to figure out which who's going to hit us.

Is it Cindy? Is it Irene? Is it Emily or Franklin? Maybe Nate? Who's going to be the one who sets us off to Home Depot for plywood and then to Wal-Mart to stock up on batteries, Doritos and Spam?

Last year it was Charlie who knocked a tree across our driveway and smashed our fence. A couple years before that it was Isabelle, who started out as a Category 5 and was headed straight towards us. Lucky for us, Isabel lost strength and headed north, causing nothing more than a few fallen tree limbs here

Welcome to coastal living. By choosing to live near the ocean, my family and I have chosen to live with hurricanes. We have learned to hope for the best and plan for the worst.

We have also learned there's no point in feeling sorry for yourself it one hits. And you certainly don't go on television asking why this horrible thing had to happen to you.

It happened to you because you live in a place that's prone to hurricanes. It isn't as if you haven't been told enough times.

Hurricanes can be oddly liberating. When one is headed this way, I realize that all the stuff we've accumulated through the years is just stuff. We'll get by just fine without it. As long I come out on the other side with my husband, the kid and the dog, I've got no complaints.

So pass the Doritos and open up the Spam.

Got more time to waste? Go to judy5cents.com